Four Letter Words

What Congressman AKIN said about RAPE was JUNK.  He’s a DOPE.

RAPE and sexual assault are not about sex, pregnancy, or abortion.  They are violent crimes of power and control.  We must acknowledge the reality of sexual violence: rapist choose to rape and under no circumstances do victims choose to be victimized.

Here are some the statistics, according to RAINN, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization:

·         44% of sexual violence victims are under the age of 18; 80% are under the age of 30.

·         Every 2 minutes someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted.  Each year there about 207,754 victims of sexual abuse.

·         54% of sexual assaults are not reported to police, and 97% of rapists never spend a day in jail.

·         Approximately 2/3 of sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim; and 38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance.

What I remember most is bathing her, something I hadn’t done in 20 years, since she was a little girl.   Her hair was stringy and matted from sweat, and covered much of her face because her head was nodded forward.  Her arms hung loosely at her sides, her hands in the bath water.  Her legs were straight in front of her, her pedicured toes peeking out from the top of the water.   Her whole body was limp with exhaustion.  And those pretty blue eyes – that just a day ago had been sparkling with excitement about what lie ahead – they were dark and empty now.   Even the tears had dried. 

She had just completed her study abroad experience.  Many of us were concerned that she wouldn’t do well far away from the familiar surroundings of home and family.  She proved us all wrong.  She made new friends and traveled throughout Europe.  She came home more self-confident than ever before, excited about her final semester of college and the bright future ahead.   She had only been back in town for one day when she met friends for dinner at a popular Mexican restaurant.  She remembers a friendly waiter; and ordering a margarita and a quesadilla. (The restaurant receipt confirms this is all she had at the restaurant).  She was told she had a glass of wine after dinner, but her memories are vague.

Our dearest friends took her to the hospital.  After spending several hours stabilizing her at one hospital, she had to go to another hospital for the rape kit.  In many cities not all hospitals accept rape victims because they do not have rape kits.  I do not understand this.  At the second hospital a rape kit was administered.  There was no victim’s advocate available, just an overworked nurse who told her to administer portions of the rape kit herself.  She felt humiliated.

As I kneeled beside the tub I knew I needed to be strong for her.  And then I saw the black and blue marks on her chest and thigh.  My throat swelled and I couldn’t catch my breath.  The pain I felt for my daughter literally seared every inch of my body.  The rage I felt for her rapist was like an inferno in my gut.   I lifted her out of the tub, carefully dried her, and dressed her in pajamas.  This brought about a sense of calmness for both of us.  Even thought it had been decades since I had done these things for her, it felt familiar.  She lay on the bed and curled up.  And she stayed there for two days.

TALK doesn’t come easy for some victims.  Well-meaning friends and family ask questions:  How are you doing?  Will you be ok?  Did you go to the police?  Can you put it behind you and move on?  Victims feel shame and they self-blame.  She was overwhelmed by the questions and shut down.

She told me later she kept wishing she had not gone out to dinner, and she was angry at herself for mixing one margarita and one glass of wine.  She kept asking herself if her shorts were too short or her shirt too low cut.  She kept replaying in her mind as much of the night as she could, questioning what she should have done differently.  She talked to the police, but didn’t press charges because she couldn’t remember much about what happened.  Rape is too often a crime where victims have to prove their innocence.

VOTE and JAIL are four letter words we must all remember.  VOTE for candidates who are intelligent, informed, and represent the interest of all people.  JAIL is where rapists belong, period.    

HEAL.  This is an important four letter word.   There is no particular time table for a victim to heal; it’s a process, sometimes a long one, although other victims have said healing does happen.  She took a big step towards healing this summer, participating in a walk to raise awareness about sexual violence.  We walked with her, to show our support for her and other victims.  Em, we’ll continue to walk with you.  Every step of the way.

 Just sayin'.

Laurie